Hearts a Mess

I am growing crankyier. I miss the community I had on Facebook, and without it to distract me from the dull ache of Life, I am cranky, and depressed and am becoming steadily more hard-hearted. I sigh a lot. I am irritated often. I am lonely. I vacillate between emotional states of numbness and overload. I am tired. I am apathetic. I am not myself.
 

This space that I'm in is a Waiting Space: I'm waiting to care again; waiting for motivation, inspiration; waiting to feel like myself again. I don't like this bleak, gray version of Myself.

 

Your heart's a mess / You won't admit to it / It makes no sense / But I'm desperate to connect / You can't live like this.
Hearts a Mess, Gotye

Even as I write about how I feel, there exists a nagging little voice in the recesses of my mind, calling to me, demanding gratefulness, dismissing my current state of being. And so, feigning obedience, I should acknowledge that I am very fortunate indeed. I have a life partner I am in love with, and whom (have worked very hard to make) is the man of my dreams. I have beautiful, precious "normal" children. We own a house that shields us from nature, which we can call home. I have clothes and makeup and family and friends. I work for an excellent company, and I have wonderful bosses. Life is good.

 

But I have to keep my focus on what I have to stay happy. When I think globally - the way the world works, what other people lack, how young mothers die more often than I'd like to know and "life seems to move right along whether I am ready or not"* - when I think about these things my little life seems so meaningless.

 

In these bodies we will live / In these bodies we will die / Where you invest your love / You invest your life.
Awake My Soul, Mumford & Sons
 

I want to make a difference. I want to live for something that matters; but I think that to be a part of something different, I have to be different. Am I prepared for what it means to be different? Or is appeasing my loneliness, my desire to "fit in", more important?

(image found here)

*My long-time friend Sarah texted this to me not long after Hannah's funeral. I also lost a friend (a young mother of three) last June.